Thursday, November 25, 2010
Carlin retraction?
Actually, none of the words belong on the list, but you can understand why some of them are there. I am not completely insensitive to people's feelings. You know, I can dig why some of those words got on the list...like cocksucker and motherfucker. Those are...those are heavy-weight words. There's a lot going on there, man. Besides the literal translation and the emotional feeling. They're just busy words. There's a lot of syllables to contend with. And those K's. Those are aggressive sounds, they jump out at you. CocksuckerMotherfuckerCocksucker. It's like an assault, on you. So I can dig that.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Lenny Bruce Thank you Maskman
THANK YOU, MASK MAN
By Lenny Bruce
Arranged by the NOT BORED! Radio Players
Narrator: Here's a bit. It's about a good man, a man who was better than Christ and Moses: The Lone Ranger. The Lone Ranger was so good that he never waited for a "Thank You." He cleaned up the whole town for you and split --
Mask Man (in the background): Hi Ho, Silver!
Dominic: What's with that putz? The schmuck didn't wait! Mamma made coffee and cake and everything. What is the hell is with that guy? I got my hand out like some jackoff and he's already on his horse already!
Person 2: Yeah, yeah: "The Lone Ranger" -- so what the hell does that make him?
Dominic: What an asshole! Is he kidding, that guy? Schmuck! I'm standing there like this with the Mayor and a plaque and everything. . . . I'm going to punch the shit out of him if I ever see him again!
Person 1: Take it easy, Dominic. . . .
Dominic: Take it easy, my balls! Is that guy kidding me?
Person 2: Look, he's the Lone Ranger. He's a good-natured schmuck, he ain't got a quarter. [Pause.] You don't know about him? He's got a problem and goes to analysis. He can't accept love.
Dominic: Eh?
Person 2: We don't even need him any more. He comes around here -- we recognize the mask with snot all over it. It's disgusting! But he likes to go through it so we play it out for him, ya know. Here's his favorite bit.
Person 3: Hey you! What'd ya have a mask on for? Are you an outlaw?
Person 2: This makes him really crazy.
Mask Man: I'm an outlaw! I'm an outlaw! You should be an outlaw the way I am an outlaw!
Person 3: So why do you wear a mask?
Mask Man: Never mind! I'm an outlaw. Get away from me kids, I hurt people.
Person 2: Is that believable? "I'm an outlaw"?!
Mask Man (to himself): Get a kick in the ass for being nice to people?! I'm out for Number One from now on, brother. No one is going to shit on me. I'm out for Number One, boy; Number One is the one and then they get, later.
Person 4: Nice guy?! How come the asshole leaves bullets then?
Person 1: I don't know. That is kinda weird.
Person 4: Sure he's nice: the asshole leaves bullets for kids to fool around with!
Person 2: I told you what the innuedo is: Dr. Ehrlich the Magic Bullet.
Person 4: What's that?
Person 2: Syphillis.
Person 4: Eh?
Person 2: He's telling you in his own special way that the whole world has syphillis.
Person 1: Dr. Ehrlich the Magic Bullet! Of course.
Person 2: Why do you think he rides off with his mouth closed?
Mask Man (in background): Hmmm hmmmm hmm-hmmmm!
Person 4: Are you kidding with that?
Person 2: Of course, when he's outta audible range he's goes on and on about how he thinks he might of caughta dose.
Dominic: Oh, yeah? Well, I'm going to beat the shit outta him. Get the horses ready: I'm gonna punch them first.
Sound of horses.
Sheriff: Hold the fire on the North ridge! Hold it!
Dominic: OK, Mask Man: I'm gonna whup the shit outta you, buddy, right now.
Sheriff: Whew! God-damn, it took us about 15 minutes -- boy, you think you're pretty god-damn smart. You're hot shit, aintcha, buddy?
Dominic: Look at these kids here, they made cookies and wrote a song called "Thank You, Mask Man." There's your hero! The man too good to accept a "Thank You" from little children, little children in the crey-paper costumes. Right now, buddy, you're going to explain or I'm going to whup the hell outta you, you hear?
Mask Man: I'll explain if you get your god-damn hands offa me, you barbarian! You see, the reason I never wait for "Denk you" izzat I put two boys true college.
Sheriff: What's that?
Mask Man: Dot's right! I put two boys true college and I don' even get a "Denk you"!
Sheriff: A "Denk you"?! Oi veys mir! The Mask Man's a Jew!
Mask man: Of course, schmuck! Dot's why I never talk on the radio show -- all you ever heard me say on the radio show was "Hi Ho Silver!" -- dot's all! You see. . . . Some goyim are coming? Zugnish! Don't zay a void! . . . OK. You I tell. The reason I never wait for a thank you is that -- well, supposing that I did wait for a thank you. Just for a supposition.
Little boy or girl: Thank you, Mask Man.
Mask Man: What's that?
Little boy or girl: Thank you, Mask Man.
Mask Man: "Thank you, Mask Man"? Who the fuck said that?
Little boy or girl: I said it. Thank you, Mask Man.
Voices (in background): Help! Help! Mask man! Mask man!
Mask Man: Just a moment, getting a few thank-yous here.
Voices (in background): Mask man! Mask man! Help! Help!
Mask Man: Don't break my balls, now! I've done you people a whole lotta good and now I wanna get a few thank-yous in return.
Little boy or girl: Thank you, mask Man.
Mask Man: "Thank you, Mask Man." Is zis vot I've been running away from all deese years? What a god-damn fool I've been to run away from a sound like dis. It's beautiful! Let me hear it again!
Voices (in background): Help! Mask Man! Mask man! Help!
Mask Man: Not you, you miserable ingrates! I mean you, wit da babyface.
Little boy or girl: Thank you, mask Man.
Mask Man: "Thank you, Mask Man." Isn't that something? I'm going to get a "Thank you, Mask man" every god-damn day! I'll put 'em all down in a book: It'll say" Thank you, Mask Man." Do you think that I've always worked at this fucking hardware store? Hey, you see that? You see what it says right there?
Everybody: Thank you, Mask Man!
Mask Man: -- It's signed "People of Syosset, Long Island." Izzn't dot something? When I'm old, I can lean back on my book of "Thank You, Mask Man"s. Yes, it's true I can't ride anymore, but would you like to see a little something that I did? Look at that.
Woman formerly in distress: Thank you, mask Man.
Mask Man: Then one day, it's almost five o'clock. Where is the "Thank You Mask Man" Man? Has the "Thank You Mask man" Man been here today? You do have a "Thank You, Mask man" for me, don't you? I thought it would last forever. I've led a very flamboyant existence: I've pissed all my "Thank You's" away. You don't have have any, do you? Just gimme one, so I can make it to the next town. One "Thank You, Mask man"?
The Prophet (booming): There are no more "Thank You, Mask Man"s. The Messiah came during the night. All is pure. [Pause.] You're in the shithouse.
Mask man: The Messiah? But what has this to do with me?
The Prophet: Well, you see -- you are like men such as Jonas Salk, Lenny Bruce and J. Edgar Hoover. These men thrive upon the continuance of disease, segregation, and violence. The purity they do profess a need for, they just feed upon.
Mask Man: You mean?
The Prophet: Yes! Without polio, Salk is a putz.
Mask Man: Well, then, I'll make trouble. Because I'm geared for it. And I must have a "Thank you, Mask Man," at all costs. . . . You see, this way what I don't have, I don't miss -- that's why I always ride off without waiting for a thank you.
City official: God-damn it, Mask Man! Whoo-wee! You can sure talk your ass off! What the fuck you talkin' about? All this Commie horseshit: "Thank you, Mask Man." The kids fell asleep. Wilbur's got blue balls, he's got to get back to the base! He's got me dizzy with all that bullshit: "Thank you, Mask Man." Look, buddy, I'm here -- I'm working for the City, you know what I'm saying? I'm just here to take a photo with you for the Daily News, and then get the hell outta here. C'mon now, shape up and accept a present, and then we can haul ass.
Mask Man: A present? For the children? Alright I'll do it -- no ashtrays, though. . . . Gimme the Indian over there!
City official: Who, Tonto?
Mask Man: Yes, I want Tanta, or whatever the spic-half-bred's name is. I'll take him.
City official: Spic half-bred?! God-damn, you can't have Tonto.
Mask man: Bullshit! You made the deal, and that's what I want: I want Tanta the Indian!
City official: Look, buddy, his name ain't Tanta, its Tonto and you can't have Tonto.
Mask man: Bullshit! I want Tanta, I want Tanta the Indian!
City official: God-damn you, you hippy freak, I wanna tell you -- What the hell do you want Tonto for, anyway?
Mask Man: To perform an unnatural act.
City official: What?
Mask Man: You heard me: to perform an unnatural act.
City official: The Mask Man is a fag! God-damn! The Mask Man is a fag! The masked Fag Man! Oh, Lord! I'm getting dizzy. Don't look at him kids! The bad Fag Man. Oh! {Spluttering.] The Masked Bad Fag Damn Man. You fag bastard, you! God-damn it, kids! Mask Man, I never knew you were that way!
Mask Man: I'm not a fag, but I've heard so much about it, I've read a lot of exposes on how bad it is, and I want to try it, just once. . . . You know? I like what they do with fags in this country: the punishment is quite correct and consistent with the rest of the law: lock 'em up with a bunch of other men -- hmmm, very clever. . . . Uh, wash him up and get him ready! And, uh, I tell you what, uh -- give me that white horse, too.
City official: [Pause.] What do you want that horse for?
Mask man: For the act.
City official: You twisted fag bastard! The horse for the act!
The horse: Nay-ay-ay-ay!
City official: Get off him, Tanta, that's terrible!
Mask Man (riding off): Hi ho, Silver!
sound of horses and then a recording of "The William Tell Overture" by Rossini, to end
[AUDIO RECORDINGS] [BACK ISSUES] [HOME] [LINKS] [SCANNER ABUSE] [SELECTED TEXTS] [TRANSLATIONS]
[LETTRIST INTERNATIONAL ARCHIVE] [SITUATIONIST INTERNATIONAL ARCHIVE]
To Contact Us:
Info@notbored.org
ISSN 1084-7340.
Snail mail: POB 1115, Stuyvesant Station, New York City 10009-9998
By Lenny Bruce
Arranged by the NOT BORED! Radio Players
Narrator: Here's a bit. It's about a good man, a man who was better than Christ and Moses: The Lone Ranger. The Lone Ranger was so good that he never waited for a "Thank You." He cleaned up the whole town for you and split --
Mask Man (in the background): Hi Ho, Silver!
Dominic: What's with that putz? The schmuck didn't wait! Mamma made coffee and cake and everything. What is the hell is with that guy? I got my hand out like some jackoff and he's already on his horse already!
Person 2: Yeah, yeah: "The Lone Ranger" -- so what the hell does that make him?
Dominic: What an asshole! Is he kidding, that guy? Schmuck! I'm standing there like this with the Mayor and a plaque and everything. . . . I'm going to punch the shit out of him if I ever see him again!
Person 1: Take it easy, Dominic. . . .
Dominic: Take it easy, my balls! Is that guy kidding me?
Person 2: Look, he's the Lone Ranger. He's a good-natured schmuck, he ain't got a quarter. [Pause.] You don't know about him? He's got a problem and goes to analysis. He can't accept love.
Dominic: Eh?
Person 2: We don't even need him any more. He comes around here -- we recognize the mask with snot all over it. It's disgusting! But he likes to go through it so we play it out for him, ya know. Here's his favorite bit.
Person 3: Hey you! What'd ya have a mask on for? Are you an outlaw?
Person 2: This makes him really crazy.
Mask Man: I'm an outlaw! I'm an outlaw! You should be an outlaw the way I am an outlaw!
Person 3: So why do you wear a mask?
Mask Man: Never mind! I'm an outlaw. Get away from me kids, I hurt people.
Person 2: Is that believable? "I'm an outlaw"?!
Mask Man (to himself): Get a kick in the ass for being nice to people?! I'm out for Number One from now on, brother. No one is going to shit on me. I'm out for Number One, boy; Number One is the one and then they get, later.
Person 4: Nice guy?! How come the asshole leaves bullets then?
Person 1: I don't know. That is kinda weird.
Person 4: Sure he's nice: the asshole leaves bullets for kids to fool around with!
Person 2: I told you what the innuedo is: Dr. Ehrlich the Magic Bullet.
Person 4: What's that?
Person 2: Syphillis.
Person 4: Eh?
Person 2: He's telling you in his own special way that the whole world has syphillis.
Person 1: Dr. Ehrlich the Magic Bullet! Of course.
Person 2: Why do you think he rides off with his mouth closed?
Mask Man (in background): Hmmm hmmmm hmm-hmmmm!
Person 4: Are you kidding with that?
Person 2: Of course, when he's outta audible range he's goes on and on about how he thinks he might of caughta dose.
Dominic: Oh, yeah? Well, I'm going to beat the shit outta him. Get the horses ready: I'm gonna punch them first.
Sound of horses.
Sheriff: Hold the fire on the North ridge! Hold it!
Dominic: OK, Mask Man: I'm gonna whup the shit outta you, buddy, right now.
Sheriff: Whew! God-damn, it took us about 15 minutes -- boy, you think you're pretty god-damn smart. You're hot shit, aintcha, buddy?
Dominic: Look at these kids here, they made cookies and wrote a song called "Thank You, Mask Man." There's your hero! The man too good to accept a "Thank You" from little children, little children in the crey-paper costumes. Right now, buddy, you're going to explain or I'm going to whup the hell outta you, you hear?
Mask Man: I'll explain if you get your god-damn hands offa me, you barbarian! You see, the reason I never wait for "Denk you" izzat I put two boys true college.
Sheriff: What's that?
Mask Man: Dot's right! I put two boys true college and I don' even get a "Denk you"!
Sheriff: A "Denk you"?! Oi veys mir! The Mask Man's a Jew!
Mask man: Of course, schmuck! Dot's why I never talk on the radio show -- all you ever heard me say on the radio show was "Hi Ho Silver!" -- dot's all! You see. . . . Some goyim are coming? Zugnish! Don't zay a void! . . . OK. You I tell. The reason I never wait for a thank you is that -- well, supposing that I did wait for a thank you. Just for a supposition.
Little boy or girl: Thank you, Mask Man.
Mask Man: What's that?
Little boy or girl: Thank you, Mask Man.
Mask Man: "Thank you, Mask Man"? Who the fuck said that?
Little boy or girl: I said it. Thank you, Mask Man.
Voices (in background): Help! Help! Mask man! Mask man!
Mask Man: Just a moment, getting a few thank-yous here.
Voices (in background): Mask man! Mask man! Help! Help!
Mask Man: Don't break my balls, now! I've done you people a whole lotta good and now I wanna get a few thank-yous in return.
Little boy or girl: Thank you, mask Man.
Mask Man: "Thank you, Mask Man." Is zis vot I've been running away from all deese years? What a god-damn fool I've been to run away from a sound like dis. It's beautiful! Let me hear it again!
Voices (in background): Help! Mask Man! Mask man! Help!
Mask Man: Not you, you miserable ingrates! I mean you, wit da babyface.
Little boy or girl: Thank you, mask Man.
Mask Man: "Thank you, Mask Man." Isn't that something? I'm going to get a "Thank you, Mask man" every god-damn day! I'll put 'em all down in a book: It'll say" Thank you, Mask Man." Do you think that I've always worked at this fucking hardware store? Hey, you see that? You see what it says right there?
Everybody: Thank you, Mask Man!
Mask Man: -- It's signed "People of Syosset, Long Island." Izzn't dot something? When I'm old, I can lean back on my book of "Thank You, Mask Man"s. Yes, it's true I can't ride anymore, but would you like to see a little something that I did? Look at that.
Woman formerly in distress: Thank you, mask Man.
Mask Man: Then one day, it's almost five o'clock. Where is the "Thank You Mask Man" Man? Has the "Thank You Mask man" Man been here today? You do have a "Thank You, Mask man" for me, don't you? I thought it would last forever. I've led a very flamboyant existence: I've pissed all my "Thank You's" away. You don't have have any, do you? Just gimme one, so I can make it to the next town. One "Thank You, Mask man"?
The Prophet (booming): There are no more "Thank You, Mask Man"s. The Messiah came during the night. All is pure. [Pause.] You're in the shithouse.
Mask man: The Messiah? But what has this to do with me?
The Prophet: Well, you see -- you are like men such as Jonas Salk, Lenny Bruce and J. Edgar Hoover. These men thrive upon the continuance of disease, segregation, and violence. The purity they do profess a need for, they just feed upon.
Mask Man: You mean?
The Prophet: Yes! Without polio, Salk is a putz.
Mask Man: Well, then, I'll make trouble. Because I'm geared for it. And I must have a "Thank you, Mask Man," at all costs. . . . You see, this way what I don't have, I don't miss -- that's why I always ride off without waiting for a thank you.
City official: God-damn it, Mask Man! Whoo-wee! You can sure talk your ass off! What the fuck you talkin' about? All this Commie horseshit: "Thank you, Mask Man." The kids fell asleep. Wilbur's got blue balls, he's got to get back to the base! He's got me dizzy with all that bullshit: "Thank you, Mask Man." Look, buddy, I'm here -- I'm working for the City, you know what I'm saying? I'm just here to take a photo with you for the Daily News, and then get the hell outta here. C'mon now, shape up and accept a present, and then we can haul ass.
Mask Man: A present? For the children? Alright I'll do it -- no ashtrays, though. . . . Gimme the Indian over there!
City official: Who, Tonto?
Mask Man: Yes, I want Tanta, or whatever the spic-half-bred's name is. I'll take him.
City official: Spic half-bred?! God-damn, you can't have Tonto.
Mask man: Bullshit! You made the deal, and that's what I want: I want Tanta the Indian!
City official: Look, buddy, his name ain't Tanta, its Tonto and you can't have Tonto.
Mask man: Bullshit! I want Tanta, I want Tanta the Indian!
City official: God-damn you, you hippy freak, I wanna tell you -- What the hell do you want Tonto for, anyway?
Mask Man: To perform an unnatural act.
City official: What?
Mask Man: You heard me: to perform an unnatural act.
City official: The Mask Man is a fag! God-damn! The Mask Man is a fag! The masked Fag Man! Oh, Lord! I'm getting dizzy. Don't look at him kids! The bad Fag Man. Oh! {Spluttering.] The Masked Bad Fag Damn Man. You fag bastard, you! God-damn it, kids! Mask Man, I never knew you were that way!
Mask Man: I'm not a fag, but I've heard so much about it, I've read a lot of exposes on how bad it is, and I want to try it, just once. . . . You know? I like what they do with fags in this country: the punishment is quite correct and consistent with the rest of the law: lock 'em up with a bunch of other men -- hmmm, very clever. . . . Uh, wash him up and get him ready! And, uh, I tell you what, uh -- give me that white horse, too.
City official: [Pause.] What do you want that horse for?
Mask man: For the act.
City official: You twisted fag bastard! The horse for the act!
The horse: Nay-ay-ay-ay!
City official: Get off him, Tanta, that's terrible!
Mask Man (riding off): Hi ho, Silver!
sound of horses and then a recording of "The William Tell Overture" by Rossini, to end
[AUDIO RECORDINGS] [BACK ISSUES] [HOME] [LINKS] [SCANNER ABUSE] [SELECTED TEXTS] [TRANSLATIONS]
[LETTRIST INTERNATIONAL ARCHIVE] [SITUATIONIST INTERNATIONAL ARCHIVE]
To Contact Us:
Info@notbored.org
ISSN 1084-7340.
Snail mail: POB 1115, Stuyvesant Station, New York City 10009-9998
Friday, March 27, 2009
Open the pod bay-doors, HAL."
Open the pod bay-doors, HAL."
"I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that."
More Paranoia
A few days ago, I wrote that the “paranoid style” has been a continual temptation and danger for modern conservatives (whom Hofstadter called “pseudo-conservatives,” owing to their radicalism in wanting to overturn existing laws and institutions). Several readers expressed disbelief that I didn’t mention their left-wing counterparts, and Jonah Goldberg criticized me on The Corner for the same reason. Goldberg accurately brings up various recent left-wing conspiracy theorists, from Naomi Klein to Spike Lee (he might have mentioned Michael Moore as well), and concludes, “By all means, dust off your dog-eared copies of “The Paranoid Style.” But spare me the lectures if you can only find things to worry about to your right.”
There’s plenty of criticism of Klein, Moore, Nicholson Baker, and other paranoid stylists of the left in my book on Iraq, “The Assassins’ Gate.” I didn’t mention them in discussing Hofstadter and the current reaction to Obama for this reason: Sean Hannity, Rush Limbaugh, and Glenn Beck have far more power in the Republican Party (it sometimes seems to include veto power) than Klein, Lee, and Moore have in the Democratic Party. The views of right-wing commentators in the grip of the paranoid style (Obama is a stealth radical, the Democrats are imposing socialism) are much closer to mainstream conservative and Republican belief than the views of their counterparts on the left (the levees in New Orleans were blown up by the government, the White House had something to do with 9/11) are to mainstream liberal and Democratic belief. The reasons are complex, but I would list these: the evangelical and occasionally messianic fervor that animates a part of the Republican base; the atmosphere of siege and the self-identification of conservatives as insurgents even when they monopolized political power; the influence of ideology over movement conservatives, and their deep hostility to compromise; the fact that modern conservatism has been a movement, which modern liberalism has not.
This is not to say that the more destructive forms of populism and outright paranoia can’t appear on the left. They have, they do, and they will, especially in times of extreme distress like these. It’s only to say that the infection has been more organic to the modern right.
Goldberg would have even more basis for his complaint if I were the author of a book called “Conservative Fascism” and he were not the author of a book called “Liberal Fascism.”
There’s plenty of criticism of Klein, Moore, Nicholson Baker, and other paranoid stylists of the left in my book on Iraq, “The Assassins’ Gate.” I didn’t mention them in discussing Hofstadter and the current reaction to Obama for this reason: Sean Hannity, Rush Limbaugh, and Glenn Beck have far more power in the Republican Party (it sometimes seems to include veto power) than Klein, Lee, and Moore have in the Democratic Party. The views of right-wing commentators in the grip of the paranoid style (Obama is a stealth radical, the Democrats are imposing socialism) are much closer to mainstream conservative and Republican belief than the views of their counterparts on the left (the levees in New Orleans were blown up by the government, the White House had something to do with 9/11) are to mainstream liberal and Democratic belief. The reasons are complex, but I would list these: the evangelical and occasionally messianic fervor that animates a part of the Republican base; the atmosphere of siege and the self-identification of conservatives as insurgents even when they monopolized political power; the influence of ideology over movement conservatives, and their deep hostility to compromise; the fact that modern conservatism has been a movement, which modern liberalism has not.
This is not to say that the more destructive forms of populism and outright paranoia can’t appear on the left. They have, they do, and they will, especially in times of extreme distress like these. It’s only to say that the infection has been more organic to the modern right.
Goldberg would have even more basis for his complaint if I were the author of a book called “Conservative Fascism” and he were not the author of a book called “Liberal Fascism.”
OBAMA DOESN'T NAIL IT
It has not been the path for the faint-hearted - for those who prefer leisure over work, or seek only the pleasures of riches and fame.
THAT IS SO TRUE. I'VE BEEN SUCH A SELFISH WRETCH. NOT LIKE THIS BRAVE AND BRILLIANT NEW PRESIDENT, THIS DOMESTIC WARRIOR THIS ANGEL SENT TO HEAL AMERICA. BUT NO, ALL I COULD SEE WAS MY NARROW INTERESTS.
GOD DAMNED FUCKING CREEP. WHO COULD SAY THINGS LLIKE THAT AND NOT BE AN ARROGANT STUPID CREEP?!
ONLY AN ARROGANT CREEP COULD LET HIMSELF SAY SUCH WORTHLESS STUPID CRAP.
THAT IS SO TRUE. I'VE BEEN SUCH A SELFISH WRETCH. NOT LIKE THIS BRAVE AND BRILLIANT NEW PRESIDENT, THIS DOMESTIC WARRIOR THIS ANGEL SENT TO HEAL AMERICA. BUT NO, ALL I COULD SEE WAS MY NARROW INTERESTS.
GOD DAMNED FUCKING CREEP. WHO COULD SAY THINGS LLIKE THAT AND NOT BE AN ARROGANT STUPID CREEP?!
ONLY AN ARROGANT CREEP COULD LET HIMSELF SAY SUCH WORTHLESS STUPID CRAP.
MORE ONION POSTERS
" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidmCKX8mSd3ntNoD1PPtuMYv8Z7kryCAuaL8D4sficL9AIZSFaRIr4cnS48Yb0xPeyQaqmOSZPv8Y19hKgbKs2E4uHkcke1DmcSBFxFYH-20LFuXWoyEXRjvYkFMjFS24VfDF5VSetyVmQ/s400/imgad-1.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5317983457886814418" />
Congress Forced To Watch Training Video About Bipartisan Cooperation
Onion News Network:
Rep. Gary Nelson (R-CT) Introduces The Gary Nelson Personal Pay Raise Bill 11.22.07
Onion Radio News:
Senate Carpool 'Forgets' To Pick Up Feingold Again 10.07.06
WASHINGTON—In an effort to stimulate discussion, resolve party conflicts, and increase legislative productivity, members of the 111th Congress were once again required to watch an instructional video on bipartisan collaboration this week.
Enlarge Image
Senators reluctantly watch the section on "non-vitriolic communication."
"Since both House and Senate seem unable or unwilling to compromise on several issues regarding tax money, earmarks, or even seating arrangement, we have decided to take drastic action," Vice President Joe Biden told a special joint session of Congress Monday. "Hopefully this will give you some tools you can use to lend a hand, and maybe an ear, across the aisle."
"And please, no talking on cell phones during the video," Biden added. "I'm looking at you, Senator Reid."
Article 1, section 8 of the Constitution specifies that the legislative branch must watch the instructional training film "A Vote For Understanding" once every six years. The 30-minute video was made in 1976 and stars former Sen. William Proxmire (D-WI), who guides viewers through a series of short lessons about the importance of listening to the opposition without interrupting, yelling, or filibustering.
Enlarge Image
At this point, the film is meant to be paused for a joint-resolution exercise.
After calling the mandatory session to order, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi wheeled in a cart with a television and VCR and instructed Senate minority leader Mitch McConnell to dim the lights.
The film opens with a dramatization of two legislators tugging at opposite ends of the same bill, until Proxmire steps into frame and freezes the action by calling a "time out." While an up-tempo synthesizer track plays in the background, Proxmire teaches the bitterly divided congressmen to look at each other, open their minds, and work together instead of relying on threats and walkouts.
Another scene revolves around a heated appropriations dispute, and encourages lawmakers to always "S.H.I.N.E." by using the five steps of legislative cooperation: "Show respect, Hold back anger, Identify common ground, Nation first! and Emerge with compromise."
At another point, a split screen depicts two congressmen—a Democrat and Republican wearing blue and red hats, respectively—engaged in a shouting match over a bill's rider. The screen dissolves to reveal the two men facing away from each other, yelling in opposite directions. Proxmire then rotates the legislators' chairs around and switches their hats, teaching both a profound lesson in seeing government through the eyes of the opposition.
Despite the video's distinct message of compromise, cooperation, and not completely ignoring and then vilifying members of an opposing party, many lawmakers called it "unrealistic and outdated." Some claimed their time would have been better spent arguing over provisions of the upcoming health care reform bill.
"That's great: Here we are dealing with the worst recession since World War II and we have to watch a friggin' bipartisanship video," Sen. Mike Enzi (R-WY) said. "What a waste of time. I already saw that back in '97 when I first took office."
"This kind of Democratic grandstanding is exactly why I didn't read a single clause in the economic stimulus package before I voted against it," Enzi added.
Most lawmakers sat with members of their own party during the mandatory screening and spent the entirety of the afternoon slumped over in their chairs. While both sides mostly kept to themselves, there was one moment of bipartisanship during a scene in which Proxmire tells viewers to take a moment to cross the aisle and introduce themselves—to which someone loudly replied, "Yeah right," causing both parties to burst into laughter.
"I don't need some boring movie to teach me about partisanship," said Rep. Robert Andrews (D-NJ), adding that he could not believe the junior senator from Alaska was actually taking notes. "I'm one of the most partisan people around. Ask anyone."
Sen. Jim Risch (R-ID) was also dismissive of the instructional film, saying that if he ever actually went along with its "corny" message of tolerance, he would lose the respect of everyone in Washington.
Said Risch, "Ooh, I just can't wait to listen to Democrats! I'm totally going to consider their feelings and long-term initiatives before voting. Pff. As if."
A small group of legislators, however, said they appreciated the viewing experience.
"I think it was pretty good," said Sen. Robert Byrd (D-WV), who appeared in the film with a thick head of brown hair. "I wouldn't mind watching it a second time."
There are a number of other videos Congress is bound by law to watch periodically. The most commonly shown films include "Commerce Regulation And You," "Budgets Made Easy," "So You've Been Re-Elected…," and "Drunk Driving: Dying Under The Influence."
Upon conclusion of the video, Democratic and Republican leaders went out onto the National Mall for a smoke break and, after some levelheaded discussion, determined everything was the executive branch's fault.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)